Who Am I?

Especially lately, I feel as those I am only identified by the disease my husband has . . . Parkinson’s Disease. As it progresses and takes more of our time, I find that I have withdrawn from who I used to be and now have a new identity: Caregiver. This identity is admirable and needed and done because I love my husband.  However,  at a recent doctor’s appointment, the doctor said I should continue with my education and obtain a degree in the medical field. I quickly informed him that I had obtained a CNA certification simply to help my husband, it was by no means an entry into a new career.

Only God knows if I will die being a caregiver or if I will have another vocation. I’m learning patience and peace in the moment with this new title, though. I’m learning that I have to stop and relax and be there for him more than for anyone else in the world right now. You see, he frequently, over the past few weeks believes he is dying and he wants me near often. I ran some errands yesterday and came back to finish up some paperwork in my home office while the caregiver was still at my home tending to my beloved. As it was time for the CNA to leave, I walked into my beloved’s room as he was restlessly napping to tell the caregiver I would take over. My beloved, with tears in his eyes asked, “Don’t you want to be here when I die?” This wrenches at my heart as I think about it a day later. The pain in his face. Yet, I know he is not near death. He has high anxiety about dying. About the progression of his disease. He is not going to die today or tomorrow, God willing, per his current health status.
In these times of anxiety, I have to comfort him with calming words that no, he isn’t dying soon, and yes, I will be there for him. I will be his caregiver so he can stay home where he is loved and treated with kindness and dignity and most importantly for a person with Parkinson’s Disease, given his pills on time. This is my job, my career for now.

Sometimes I regret that I don’t have a career, yet, because my husband needs me. Because he needs my comfort and care, I know, in the deepest recesses of my mind that this is where I’m supposed to be. Today, I’m supposed to be a Caregiver.